So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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