Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
either way he was missing a nipple.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
