She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
