were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
how does that bad decision feel?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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