I just threw up on my dentist
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
