I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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