Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
