I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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