In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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