if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
