can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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