the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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