She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
