You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I love black thongs
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
