This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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