we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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