he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
