My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
