I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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