How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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