my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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