do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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