I think my vagina is haunted
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
