just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
