that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
