it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
