You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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