I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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