why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
