Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
