So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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