If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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