Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm jealous of your bromance
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
