I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
