Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
