so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Are my feet made of real feet?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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