So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
