He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
