I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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