need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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