no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
