i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
