I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
