I think I won the penis lottery.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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