why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
