Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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