just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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