Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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