you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
