i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
two words: eviction party
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
