I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
